i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
