He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
