Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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