He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
