Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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