I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
