i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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