Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
