You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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