Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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