i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would fuck him just for his dog
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
