He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
