My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
