I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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