What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
