You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
