ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
