Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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