So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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