I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
