i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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