i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
