I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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