i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
