i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
