there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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