Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
