i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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