Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
