This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
