first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
