Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
