I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
