It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm just crazy horny about you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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