Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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