he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
