my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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