my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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