I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
