who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
