He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
