i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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