I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
