Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
