I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
