Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
