i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
