I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
