i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
