She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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