I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Im part way to drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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