Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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